hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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