Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
