There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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