This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
