I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
