i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
