I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
