I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I don't deserve a penis
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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