All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
