I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
