Just fell off a train. Bad.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
