I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
