Duck Duck Cougar?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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