there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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