It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
