So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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