Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
