Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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