god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
