the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
there was a trapeze. enough said
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
