Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
