You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
