i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
