We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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