"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
