Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
