Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Randomize
