May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
