Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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