I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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