Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
