Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
