A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
