I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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