Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
