I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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