omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I intend to get homeless drunk
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
