It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
