Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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