Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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