Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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