How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
