How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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