The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
