so explain again why im purple
no
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
