i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
