I haven't been this sober since birth.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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