Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
