my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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