Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You ate ashes out of my bong
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
