dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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